


The Love Language of Beasts and Men

by JoeyWrites



Series: Kanehide: What Should Have Been [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Bisexual Hideyoshi Nagachika, Bisexual Kaneki Ken, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lesbian Kirishima Touka, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oh my god just kiss already, hints of Touka/Yoriko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29685333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeyWrites/pseuds/JoeyWrites
Summary: Kaneki and Hide confide their feelings to Touka, who's only worried about solving her own gay crisis.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Series: Kanehide: What Should Have Been [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125719
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	1. Desire

**Author's Note:**

> early December, 0 ASBI

“Oi, Kaneki! Hurry up with those dishes so I can go home!” 

“Sorry, Touka! I’m almost done!” Kaneki called to his coworker from the kitchen. It was his first time working the closing shift at the Anteiku cafe, and he had to admit he preferred it to the busy afternoons he was used to. The quiet left him a lot more time to get lost in his own thoughts, which he found himself doing increasingly often ever since his fateful transformation into a ghoul.

Of course, with that transformation came a significant helping of fresh trauma, so Kaneki tried to block it out as best he could with more comforting thoughts. Usually, he’d try to predict what would happen in the next chapter of that new novel, or randomly remember some amusing piece of idle conversation he had with Hide between classes the other day. Actually, he was thinking a lot about Hide lately, more than he’d care to admit. Such thoughts reminded him that there was still a piece of his pre-ghoul self within him. Unfortunately, despite there being less customers after the sun went down, Touka’s constant chiding still kept him from distracting himself. He knew that she was being trained to become an assistant manager in case something happened to the owner, Yoshimura, and she was obviously the best fit for the job despite being his youngest employee, but her aggressive management style didn’t exactly suit him. Still, he enjoyed working with her, and there was a certain camaraderie forming between them as a result of the battles they fought together recently, even if he’d rather not remember them.

Letting out a labored sigh, Kaneki put the last of the coffee cups on the drying rack and walked out of the kitchen and into the empty dining area, where Touka was waiting for him, arms crossed and a glare peeking out from behind her bangs. 

“About time,” she said impatiently. “It’s getting more dangerous around here at night, you know. I’m not always gonna be there to cover your ass like last time.” 

“Yeah, I know,” said Kaneki, stepping outside into the chilly December night and waiting as Touka locked the door behind them. As they walked beside each other, Kaneki thought back to what Touka meant by “last time”. A ghoul from his university, Tsukiyama, had recently grown quite obsessed with him (for lack of a better term). He had kidnapped his coworker Nishio’s human girlfriend, Kimi, in an attempt to fulfill a twisted fantasy of his, and as Touka was about to kill Kimi for knowing too much, she had a change of heart and refused. 

“Touka? What made you change your mind that day? About Kimi?” There was no better time to sate his curiosity than now. 

“Hmph, why do you wanna know? As if it’s any of your business,” she snorted. 

“I’ve just been thinking,” he replied. “Were you just that confident that she wouldn’t have ratted us out to the CCG?”

“Well, she clearly already knew about shitty Nishiki, so yeah,” she said. “Does that answer your question?” 

“Not exactly, no,” Kaneki admitted sheepishly, making her click her tongue in annoyance. “You were just so set on killing her just a few moments before. What if it was your friend, Yoriko, lying up on that altar being tortured by Tsukiyama?” 

“Yoriko’s different!” She snapped, making Kaneki raise his hands in front of him defensively. “She...she’d never betray me.”

“What makes you so sure?” 

“Just shut the fuck up! Did you just decide to walk home with me so you could psychoanalyze me?!” Her voice had risen to a yell now, which drew glances from passersby. “I love her. And someday, I hope I can be with her like Nishiki is with Kimi. There’s your answer. Happy now?” Kaneki couldn’t help but feel a weight lift off his shoulders. Now he knew he had someone he could open up to about _ that. _

“So...d-do you think that...there’s a chance that humans and ghouls could...fall in love?” 

“I already told you my answer. What’s this  _ really _ about, Kaneki?” He gulped, his heart threatening to pound out of his chest with what he was about to confess.

“W-well...I-I--”

“This is about Hide, isn’t it?” Kaneki was both shocked and relieved that she already knew, and thankfully, the blood rising to his cheeks could pass as a bodily reaction to the frigid winter wind. “Why are you surprised? It’s painfully obvious you’re pining for him. I see how you stare at him whenever he comes by during your shift. Most ghouls only pay that much attention to humans when they're sizing them up for a meal, but the way you look at him is much different. It makes me wanna puke.” 

“Y-you saw that?!” Kaneki blurted out, as if she was expressly forbidden from seeing him admire his friend’s blond hair and beautiful brown eyes from behind the counter. He sighed, accepting his fate. “Yes. I...I love Hide. I have for many years now, but for most of that time I...I tried to contain my feelings. Tried to prevent myself from having them, even. I was ashamed of them.” He frowned sadly as he recalled the many lonely nights he spent in his room, thinking of passionate makeout sessions with his best friend, while at the same time trying not to punch himself in the face for how wrong it felt.

“Tch. That’s one thing I can’t stand about humans,” Touka scoffed. “We ghouls don’t make such a big fuss about gender when it comes to relationships like that. Finding a partner you can spend the rest of your life and be happy with is already hard enough for us. We can't afford to have stupid debates like that when human governments already hunt and kill us for existing.” 

“I suppose that makes sense when you put it like that,” Kaneki chuckled, sounding somewhat bitter as he regretted letting his aunt's opinions affect him that much.

“Is that why you went out with Rize? To try to convince yourself you weren’t in love with Hide?” 

“Well...for the most part,” he sighed. “The fact that we both liked reading helped. I was attracted to her, but it wasn't the same.”

“Idiot. You would still be a human if you just confessed to him instead.”

“ _ Don’t remind me. _ ” Kaneki felt anger bubbling like magma in his chest, simply waiting for the right moment to erupt. The way Touka admonished him brought back unpleasant memories.

If it weren’t for his eyepatch, his telltale eye with a black sclera and red iris would be on full display. 

“You’re right, that was uncalled for. Sorry,” she said. “If it’s any help, I’m sure that Hide would return your feelings.” 

“It’s too late now, though,” said Kaneki. “He’d have to find out that I was a ghoul. That at any moment, I could become a danger to him. How would he even react?” 

“You think I don’t constantly worry about Yoriko finding out?” Touka tried to scale back her anger a bit for Kaneki’s sake. “If anything, I don’t think you should worry about Hide finding out as much as most other people. The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore.” 

“Exactly,” said Kaneki succinctly. “More than anything else, I don’t want that to happen. He’s always been there for me. He’s always been so kind and caring. When my parents died, when I needed a place to stay because my aunt made me sleep outside, when Rize put me in the hospital...he stuck around through all that.” The hot tears beginning to run down his cheeks seemed to burn in the bitter cold. “I feel like I have a place to belong with him. If we’re being honest, I’d rather the CCG kill me than lose him.” 

“Are you some kind of m--” Touka stopped mid sentence when she heard Kaneki sniffling, and sighed. “Look. I lost a lot of friends because they found out who I really am. I know how you feel. But when that happens, you have to just keep living and find new ones. I’d be upset if Yoriko left me, but continuing to survive led me to Anteiku, and I wouldn’t want it to end there. I’d want to keep going and see how life would reward me.” She tried to hide her small smile from him. “Besides, I think if Hide did find out, he’d want to try and understand you instead.”

“You...you really think so?” Kaneki wiped his eyes. 

“Honestly? Yeah,” she confirmed. “Whenever he talks about ghouls, it’s different than how a lot of our other human customers talk. He doesn’t look down on us like we’re less than him, or rant about rounding us up in slaughterhouses and killing us all. He’s just...interested in us. How our minds and bodies work. It’s almost like he doesn’t see much difference between humans and ghouls. I think you’ll be fine.” 

“You--I--thanks, Touka. I needed to hear that,” said Kaneki, his voice still trembling. “But you said you’d kill him if he found out about Anteiku. I still can’t tell him.” 

“Oh, right,” Touka recalled casually. “I’ve thought about that. He’s a lot smarter than he lets on, so if it came down to it...I wouldn’t. I see how much he means to you, so I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. That, and you beat Nishiki really badly when he tried to kill him. Nishiki’s a weakling anyway, so I’m not surprised, but I’d rather not be on the wrong side of your revenge.” Kaneki recalled that day by the underpass. He had no fighting experience at all. He was still puzzled by what came over him when he saw Hide knocked unconscious like that. Perhaps it was “the power of love” from those sappy romance novels he used to read when he was going through a phase. 

“I appreciate it,” said Kaneki gratefully. “And about Yoriko. I don’t think you have anything to worry about from her either. She seems like she’d be more concerned about your feelings than anything else.” 

“I guess so,” Touka responded. “If only she knew I was a lesbian so she could stop assuming I’m dating your twink ass.” They shared a small laugh before walking the rest of the way home in silence. 


	2. Determination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early July, 1 ASBI

After what felt like days of poring over a condensed version of the last semester’s material to prepare for finals, Hide groaned and stretched as he stood up from his seat. Dammit, these shitty lecture hall chairs weren’t doing his back any favors. How was he supposed to focus on class when he already had enough trouble getting comfortable? And never mind the air conditioning. Hide didn’t care if it was July, he needed some warmth, dammit! Grabbing his books and haphazardly stuffing them into his bag, he filed out of the lecture hall with the rest of the students without so much as a parting wave to his professor, not even sparing a glance for his classmates. 

So far, Hide’s second year at Kamii University felt a lot lonelier than his first. He simply had no time to join clubs or make any new friends; his job at the Commission of Counter Ghoul was just that demanding. Somehow, he’d gotten himself promoted from delivery boy all the way to assistant investigator within just a few months. As much as he hated the responsibility, he certainly wasn’t going to complain about the salary. He’d even considered dropping out of his English major and working full-time for them, but he knew he wasn’t cut out for a lifetime of fighting. He preferred to solve problems with quick thinking and deception, and simply having access to the CCG’s classified data brought him that much closer to his goal: finding Kaneki before the other investigators did. 

Kaneki. It had been over 6 months since Hide last saw him, or to be more precise, since  _ Kaneki _ last saw  _ him.  _ Ever since he’d been transformed into a ghoul by Rize, he’d gone through more hardship than ever. It all came to a head when he was captured by some enemy gang and tortured for days on end. The mere thought of the man he loved suffering so much made him ill. Luckily for him, Hide thought far ahead and tipped off the CCG to his location, thanks to a tracking device he planted on one of the enemy ghouls. And so, Kaneki’s captors were all killed. Slaughtered, even. Brutally cut down and screaming in agony. Hide wasn’t proud of the death and destruction he had indirectly caused that night, nor did he ever imagine that he’d have to put himself in such danger at any point in his life, but he would do it all again if it meant Kaneki got to live. 

These days, Hide often wondered how Kaneki was doing. He wondered if he ever crossed his mind. If he even remembered him to begin with. As a result of his torment, Kaneki’s hair had turned from its usual jet-black to a stark white, and now, in place of sweater vests and slim-fit jeans, he opted for skin-tight leather and athletic leggings. He was completely different from the Kaneki that Hide knew, so it stood to reason that he forgot all about him as well. He also seemed to have a lot of new friends in the form of a small gang of ghouls, so maybe he’d just been replaced. As hard as he tried to block out these intrusive thoughts, they always lurked in the back of his mind, waiting for him to settle into bed for the night before taking over and keeping him from his much-needed rest. If, by some miracle, Kaneki  _ did _ remember him, and bothered to speak with him, there would be so, so much he’d want to tell him. He didn’t want to make himself cry in public, however, so he put on his headphones and blasted his usual western pop. 

Trying to maintain a brisk pace to keep himself looking perky, Hide walked to the other side of campus to the cafeteria. Usually, this was where he’d meet Kaneki between classes and have a lively conversation over cheap ramen, but now, those days felt so distant. He couldn’t even eat ramen anymore if he wanted to. Still, having that same dish every lunch break brought back memories. 

As he walked towards the cafeteria, he saw a familiar face sitting at one of the outdoor tables,  a girl in a typical high school uniform with bangs covering one of her eyes. Hide removed his headphones as he approached.

“Hey, Touka!” He smiled and greeted her. “What brings you back here? Did you not see enough of the campus your first time?” 

“Well, not really,” she admitted. “That dumbass Nishiki ditched me that day he was supposed to show me around, remember?” 

“Oh yeah, he did, didn’t he? Don’t mind him, he just has no social skills.”  _ Now that’s an understatement, Hide,  _ he added to himself.  _ He nearly killed you once! _

“Heh, tell me about it,” Touka chuckled. “Hey, do you mind grabbing us coffee? I uh...kind of wanted to talk to you.” 

“Sure thing! Regular black, right?” Touka nodded in response. “Coming right up!” Hide snapped his fingers and pointed at her before disappearing inside.

~~~

“There you go! Freshly brewed!” Hide placed their cups on the table.

“Thanks,” Touka muttered before taking a sip. 

“Soooo, what exactly did you come to talk to me about?” Hide initiated the conversation, as he often did for Kaneki.

“Well, you see,” Touka began. “Kaneki...he came back to Anteiku.” Hide ungracefully spat out his coffee.

“For real?!” He sputtered, wiping his mouth. “How is he? Does he look malnourished? Does he have bags under his eyes? Is he bathing regularly?” 

“Uhh, probably? He looks okay, but you can tell he’s been through a lot ever since he went missing.” Touka thought it a bit insensitive to bring up the fact that he was eating well. 

“I can imagine. I don’t suppose he asked for his job back?” 

“Of course not,” said Touka bitterly. “He just started spouting all this self-righteous bullshit at me. I sort of lost it and punched him. I can’t stand the sight of him anymore. Tch, he wants to ‘protect’ me? Protect me from what, exactly?” Touka gasped in realization, hoping she hadn’t said too much. Fortunately, Hide didn’t seem to pay any attention. “Anyway, I just thought you should know that...he’s alive.” 

“I figured he was, but I appreciate you telling me.” Hide smiled gently at her, despite already knowing full well that his friend was still breathing. “Kaneki’s a lot stronger than he looks. He went through a lot of hardship before the whole Rize thing, you know. I always kind of admired him for it. His perseverance, I mean. And yet, despite everything, he always insists on putting others first.”

“Is  _ that _ what you think of him?” Touka looked disgusted. “That he’s putting others first by abandoning us? Abandoning  _ you? _ ” Those words pierced through Hide’s heart like a knife, and he felt a twinge of anger at Touka’s assumption.

“He just sees himself as a burden to others,” Hide reasoned, more with himself than Touka. “He’s always been like this. It wouldn’t be my place to tell you why, but I’ll just leave it at ‘he didn’t exactly have a good home life’. Just be patient with him. He’ll return to us when he’s ready.”

“He’s changed a lot since you last saw him, Hide,” Touka responded, looking sadly into her drink. “I barely even knew who I was talking to. I...I know how important he is to you, and I don’t want you to be surprised or upset if you cross paths with him again. I just hope that you’re prepared.”

“Talk about not knowing who you’re talking to,” said Hide in an attempt to lighten the mood. “You know me, I’m always prepared for anything!” As much as he liked to think so, he still wasn’t certain.

“Is that so? And what would you even tell him? You haven’t spoken to him for 6 months.” 

“Well, I’d start by saying that I missed his dumb idiot face. Then I’d drag him to the bookstore for some cheap espresso, and then to the park where we used to hang out. I’d catch him up on all the gossip he missed out on in class, and after that, we’d head over to my place for a low budget horror movie and a long-awaited sleepover. You know, just like normal. That usually works.” 

“Okay, let me be a little more specific,” Touka interjected. “What would you say if it turned out that Kaneki, your best friend, had been hiding something from you? Like, something big that could change your entire perception of who he is.” She no longer cared that Hide had probably guessed Kaneki was a ghoul from that sentence alone, but for her own reasons, she needed to hear a human's perspective for once. 

“Asking the big questions, huh?” Hide sighed and leaned his head against his hand. “I’d tell him that...he doesn’t need to hide anything from me. That he can trust me. I’d remind him that he can talk to me about anything without judgment. And most of all, I’d tell him that I love him. That I’ve always loved him, and always will, no matter how terrible he thinks his secret is.” Hide felt his throat constrict with the strain of melancholy. “Although maybe I’d put off the heartfelt confession for a few more days.” 

“Yeah, that’s probably smart,” Touka chuckled. “Thanks, Hide. I think I needed to hear that.” 

“ _ You  _ needed to hear that?” Hide eyed her quizzically. 

“Uh, never mind that, it’s not important,” Touka dismissed him as she stood up from her chair. “I really should be going, though. Thanks for the coffee.” 

“Wait a minute,” said Hide, and for a split second, Touka feared that he had seen right through her. “Since Nishio’s refusing to be your tour guide, how about I show you around campus instead? I got time.” Touka took a moment to consider.

“Sure,” she agreed. “I trust you more than four-eyes not to get us lost, anyway.” They shared a laugh as they walked across the sprawling campus courtyard, both hoping for their sakes that Kaneki would find his way home.

~~~

  
  


Later that night, Hide sat at his desk, glancing over the document he’d received from work. Well, not just any document. His will and testament. He didn’t think he’d have to write one at the age of 20, but here he was. Tomorrow night, he’d be participating in a raid of the Anteiku cafe, the place where he and Kaneki had shared so many weekend lunches together, the place that had graciously given Kaneki his first real job. And now, it was going to be a battleground. Just what the hell had he gotten himself into? No. He knew why he was doing this. Sighing, he got out his pen and began writing: 

_ Dear dads, _

_ If you’re reading this, it means I’m gone. I don’t want to upset you with the details, but I lived a good life. I can’t exactly leave any of my earthly possessions to you because I don’t really have any. My only regret is not taking more time to visit you guys back home, but please try to understand that I’ve been so busy lately. Don’t worry about Kaneki, we’re still good friends. He’s been going through a lot lately though, so we aren’t hanging out as much as we used to. If by some miracle you happen to see him, please tell him that I loved him, and that I’m sorry I didn’t tell him before it was too late. Also that I’m sorry for leaving him alone so soon. He’s grown more confident these days, so I’m sure he’ll find some other friends after my passing, but I want him to know that I always wanted more than that. Guess you guys were right after all. I never got over him. Can you blame me?  _

_ Love, _

_ Hide  _

As he finished penning his letter, he let a tear drip onto the paper, which made the ink run underneath where it fell. He didn’t want to die just yet. Not until he made sure his love was safe from the CCG. He had a plan. He always came prepared, dammit. It was risky, but it was something.

_ Kaneki. I swear I’ll find a way to get you home.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhh, poor Hide is getting saddled with all the angst, huh? Don't worry, there will be a happy ending to all this (eventually). Thanks for your continued reading! Because I'm never fucking writing anything Tokyo Ghoul related after this series is done.

**Author's Note:**

> Hide's gay panic soon to come!


End file.
